Welcome everyone. Over the next 24 or so weeks, I will be watching every episode of season 1 of The Apprentice. The things I observe and the general plot will be summarized in these recaps. I am doing this mostly because I lost my fantasy football league, but also because I kind of enjoy slowly torturing myself. I have never once watched this show, so I am truly starting the series with a blank slate and an open mind. (If you exclude all the damning things I know about Trump, that is.)

For those of you who may not know, The Apprentice is a reality show starring Donald Trump. He says “You're fired!” a lot. Okay, you probably knew that part, but you may not know the premise: 16 people have quit their day jobs to come to New York to fight for the chance to become the “president” of one of Trump's companies, whatever that means. Note that he promises a “big salary,” later revealed to only be $250,000 a year. That's honestly pretty low for a reality show winner. However, it's clear right off the bat that these contestants are dead serious about the competition. They believe Trump is the greatest businessman on earth, and they would probably all suck his dick on the air if NBC allowed it.

(This is the only photograph of the entire season 1 cast that I could find on the internet. Apologies for the grainy quality.)

Without having even seen any real content yet, other than this lengthy introduction, I can already tell the next six months are going to be pure torture for me. The freaking DVDs are in a 4:3 aspect ratio. You've got to be kidding me. I'm going to spend two astronomical seasons of my time on this earth watching a Donald Trump reality show and the DVDs can't even be in widescreen! Fuck Amazon. And fuck 2004.

Back to the introduction. Trump basically speaks over the entire thing, and it's completely mindless drivel. Among countless other instances of verbal diarrhea, he actually says “bigly,” which is incredible, and I needed to make sure to document it here. Also, I get the feeling this corny b-roll footage of NYC is going to come up again. And the theme music – what is happening here? I mean, this screams 2001. I can only hope it was updated for future seasons. Too bad the analysis of future seasons is beyond the scope of this recap.

Now we begin the contestant introductions. Trump is actually speaking from the backseat of his limo right now. Successful! The use of a stock ticker to display everyone's names is a little bit ironic, considering that Trump could have thrown all the money daddy gave him into a rudimentary index fund and he would be more wealthy now than he is in reality. But that wouldn't give the illusion of self-earned wealth that he has now. And by now I mean 2004.

Let's discuss some of my favorite contestants, based on my immediate reaction to them. I'm not going to go over all 16. They're all probably gonna be fired anyway. Troy McClain is an early favorite of mine. Good southern boy who just wants to make it big in New York. But just when I think I've seen all of the south I'll ever see on this show, Bowie Hog steps into the frame. There's just no way Trump is going to hire a person named Bowie Hog. But I've been wrong before, like when I drafted Russell Wilson in the second round. Or when I kept Matt Jones.

Philly accent watch – Heidi Brexler is certainly speaking like an employee at a South Philly deli. Will keep my eye on her. Also she works for a “telecom” company which MUST be Comcast.  Speaking of things to watch, Tammy the stockbroker is definitely going to be out early. She's already been chosen by the show's producers as the contestant who is willingly alienating herself from everyone else. But we will see. The rest of these people are fucking boring corporate types. Snooze.

Now the action starts. We’ve just entered the boardroom, presumably to go over rules, and Donald is already going at it with these terrible metaphors. “New York City is the real jungle,” he says. What on earth does that mean? Also: “Women have a tougher time in the workplace...or so they say.” Some things never change. He has made it very clear that the boardroom will be the place where everyone's dreams will either be realized or shattered. I'm guessing something heavy happened to him in a boardroom once and now he wants to take it out on everyone else. Probably daddy issue-related. We are also introduced at this point to two of Donald Trump's assistants, George and Carolyn.

(George and Carolyn with Trump.)

In an interstitial talking head shot, one of the male contestants – Sam - says that he'd like to get a drink with Trump. Trump doesn't drink, dummy. This guy is definitely getting fired.

(Here's Sam.)

Trump makes an executive decision that he is going to split the group into two teams – one for the men and one for the women. He asks them all to gather with one another and come up with a name for their “corporation.” They all do a really poor job of communicating with one another and then regroup.

Trump asks for their team names. The men go first and tell him their name will be VersaCorp. Trump’s simple response: “VersaCorp...that's an interesting name.” He is totally favoring the women already. The women then announce their name will be Protégé and he loves it.

It is announced that the first task, assigned to each corporation, will be to go out onto the mean streets of Manhattan and sell...lemonade. He is giving each team $250 in “seed money.” At this point the teams/corporations break from the boardroom and head outside.

All of the men are gathered around in a tense discussion. To plan out their preferred location in Manhattan, they are drawing on a map. And now we cut to the women and one of them has a flip phone. Dated!

Also, OF COURSE, the women are becoming emotional. Lots of arguing. I’d imagine Donald Trump had some influence over the producers here. Only a strong man can save us now.

The men have decided that they are going to hang out at the South Street Seaport in downtown Manhattan. They say that there will be a lot of tourists and workers in the area. I'm not so certain about tourism at the port, but we'll see. Contestant Kwame is just walking into random stores and asking them if he can just HAVE supplies for lemonade. And they're giving him what he wants! Cups, ice, and a cart. What a boss. Things seem to be trending well for VersaCorp.

(Fulton Fish Market, in the area of the South Street Seaport in downtown Manhattan.)

The women have decided to settle down in midtown. Well, most of them anyway. They're fragmented after their pointless arguments from earlier. But the group of women that are shown are selling lemonade. “It's a hard-earned dollar I'm about to spend on this lemonade,” says a random guy, to the women, clearly scripted. (Rigged, you might say.)

We find the other women, who are lost somewhere else in midtown. The flip phone turns out to be a Nextel! Walkie-talkie style baby! These few contestants who are lost are still hysterical, by the way. They finally get a hold of the other members of Protégé on the Nextel and find out they need to get to 53^rd and 8^th. Unlike the men, it appears they have not consulted a map and are just asking random strangers for directions. In true New York fashion, a guy clearly gives them the wrong directions and four of them end up about five avenues away from where they should be. An eternity in NYC walking distance. But luckily, this really isn't a difficult problem to solve, and they get a cab over to 8^th Avenue.

Tammy, of Team Protégé, is insufferable. She wants no part of selling lemonade. She took some of their seed money and bought lunch for herself. Unbelievable. Tammy! Once the women got together, other than Tammy, they appear to be selling well. No problems are reported.

(Here's Tammy.)

Meanwhile, the men are really struggling. Their selection of the South Street Seaport area appears to have been apt for the lunch hour, but now that we're in the wee hours of the afternoon they are struggling to find customers. Contestant Dave is not helping. He's just running around with a large cardboard sign, getting in people's faces, and almost killing a cyclist.

And just to drive the point home, Trump somehow finds them in his HELICOPTER, and comments on how poor their choice was. “That smelly Fulton Fish Market! There's no one here! I've got to go, bye.” I mean, how can he even see them from a helicopter? This makes no sense. The men decide they need to pursue a new location.

Back to Protégé. The women are fucking killing it. They admit that they're definitely being flirtatious to move product, but it is certainly working. There's no way the men would sell this much lemonade for $2 a pop. Nothing special to report aside from their success.

Now back to VersaCorp. They are selling frozen lemonade. I think that violates the original terms of the competition. And now they are attempting to recruit women to sell their product. I think there's a theme here from the producers: sex sells.

It is kind of amazing that these guys are now in Greenwich Village and they still can't sell any lemonade. There are so many people around! Sam decides to take matters into his own hands and tries to convince these random old Italian men that if they give him $1,000, he will give them the lemonade AND they will get an in with Donald Trump. DJT's assistant Carolyn, who has been with VersaCorp the whole time, is just staring at him like, you suck at sales bruh.

After all that we get a quick cut to the men selling lemonade for $2 a pop. I guess the whole point of that was to illustrate how fragmented the men were, but the editing just ends up confusing me. So they were selling well this whole time? No explanation? All right.

Task over. Back in the boardroom, the contestants are gathered and Trump walks in, saying “Okay folks, I'm really busy today so we will go quickly.” It is revealed that the men doubled their money. As an engineering major, I estimate that would be around $500. Trump: “Not bad.” Then we get the reveal that the women made $1200. Not ended up with $1200. Made $1200. That's seriously almost six times what the men made. Sex does sell.

Their prize is a trip to “see the nicest apartment in New York – my apartment.” This is too much. So one of the men will be fired. My money is on Sam. Why would they have been so focused on him otherwise? Too bad it can't be Tammy.

Now the men return to their suites for the requisite reality show banter between opponents. Note that the men are drinking lemonade. Ha. Ha. This is when the women make their trip up to the top of Trump Tower. We get some nice footage of Trump's empty apartment before the women arrive. My favorite part is a gold-plated telescope looking out at Central Park. Trump totally jerks it to women in the park using this telescope. I'm certain.

(I searched "Trump Apartment Telescope" on Google and this is what I found. The internet is an amazing place.)

Melania sighting! Still just his girlfriend at the time.  “How do you clean a house like this?” says one of the women. “Well, you have people to clean it,” jokes Melania. Guess a large group of women have nothing to talk about other than cleaning. Donald walks in at this point.

“If you're really successful, this is what it is...and it's fun!” says Trump to the women in his apartment. Speaks like he tweets.

Final boardroom scene! Who will be fired?

This scene is seriously just a bunch of guys throwing each other under the bus. I guess, it is a reality show, what did I expect, but I’m still a little surprised. Lots of yelling happens. Then we get some vital Trump analysis. “Setting up at the Fulton Fish Market...with the stink of – you know – the fish market,” says Trump, just still completely disgusted with their choice. Can't we give fishmongers a break? They're just trying to make a living, man.

Actively throwing another person under the bus is encouraged, apparently, since Trump is now calling out Contestant Jason because he hasn't said anything at this meeting. Trump's assistant George chimes in, “We have enough listeners.” And now Jason is getting yelled at by Trump for interrupting him. Which is it Donald?!! Leave the poor man alone!

Carolyn chimes in, calling Troy a “selective leader.”

Jason, finally talking, has called out Sam as being the worst leader on the team. Everyone else slowly comes out against Sam. Sam says David was the worst. Sam also says, hysterically, “I don't want to work for anyone else in this country.” Great Trump quote at this point - “Sam, do you believe in the genetic pool – you have what you have?” WTF does that mean?!

Trump selects Troy, David, and Sam as the final three – one of which will be eliminated. Everyone is dismissed, but those three have to wait in the lobby while DJT has a chat with his assistants.

Robyn the secretary lets them back in. I imagine she will appear at this point in every episode.

Right off the bat, Trump tells Troy that he is safe. Now it's down to David and Sam. Looks like I was wrong..David is clearly going to be fired. Trump really likes Sam for some weird reason, even though he is insufferable. Trump proclaims: “There is one elevator that goes up to the suite, and one that goes down to the street.” Nice.

And...David is fired. Good-bye David. It's been real.

That concludes my first recap. Look forward to seeing you all next time when I take on episode 2. I'm sure Tammy will be fired. Right...?